April 18th, 2017

How do I get there from here? Is anyone out there? Am I in here? Today I realized that there is no getting over the death of one's child. Chelsea is gone. And, consequently, I am gone. Who the fuck cares about relationships at this point? Love? Romance? Who gives a fuck? I don't. If you weren't here when I needed you, why would I need you now? I'm afraid no man has any chance with me now. One former lover had the audacity to tell me he had the ability to surpass the healing qualities of my "well-intentioned female friends, male sympathizers, and secular spirituality." Yeah, all I had to do was meet him in Las Vegas and fuck him. He even had the audacity to tell me that Chelsea would have wanted me to do that. Jesus fucking Christ. What is wrong with people? That was the worst of it, but others have been equally sure in their opinion that they knew what Chelsea would want me to be, believe, or act upon in a way that fit into their own personal beliefs. Fuck that. I am sad beyond belief. I am not doing well, I am a fucking mess. But I am NOT going to fit into anyone else's idea of what I should or should not be thinking or doing at this awful time in my life. Fuck off! If you want to hold me in my sorrow, please come see me. If you want to tell me what I SHOULD be thinking or doing... go the fuck away. I don't want or need you.