I was starting to believe there was something wrong with me that prevented the men I loved from wanting me wholeheartedly. Then, I realized there was something wrong with them. And then, I realized there was something wrong with me.

Gratitude:
You didn’t have the balls
To claim me
Now I have a pair of my own
(Inspired by "A Thank You Letter to the Men Who Didn't Have the Balls to Claim me by Kate Rose, Elephant Journal, June 25, 2015) 

“Perhaps I’ve never truly loved. I guess that is the truth.” Joni Mitchell

To respect and truly love someone you have to acknowledge their differences and faults, and still love them.  ~ cfd

I have always made excuses for the men I love. I covered up or lied about their shortcomings in a way that negated who they really were. That’s akin to putting Women on a pedestal, but not respecting or loving one particular woman, because she can't measure up to an airbrushed image of grace and beauty. Idealizing women is misogynistic. Women are human beings. We deserve love, as is. It is our flaws that make us beautiful.

Well, I am guilty of misandry. I invented the men with whom I fell in love. I gave them talents and qualities they did not possess. I made excuses for their cold or inappropriate behavior to make them seem better than they were. I crafted the hollow image and poured my love into that vessel. Why would any man stay with me if there's no way he could measure up to my idealized image of him? What if he thought I loved my own creation more than him? He'd be right. I loved my pedestaled Frankenlovers. Looking back, the relationships, themselves, were more important to me than the men. And why would I bother crafting these stories about how "misunderstood" these men were, rather than face the fact that they were obviously the wrong men for me? Could it be that age-old need for security? 

With this admission, how could I not support the Equal Rights Amendment? I am the equal of any man. I am as guilty and flawed as any man. I am human. Women should not be a protected class. We are not delicate flowers needing to be "minded" by men who presume to know our bodies and lives better than we do. Nor should women be exempted from the constitutional rights and responsibilities of our democracy. Times have changed. No longer do men scoop up young women for wives and promise to “love and keep them.” The pedestal has been knocked down, and rightfully so. We must work to support ourselves, our children, our aging parents, and a secure retirement. Therefore, we must be able to choose whether or not the time is right for a pregnancy. We must earn equal wages and gender-appropriate benefits. We must have easy access to free, quality child care, and elder care in order to earn and keep the wages we deserve. We must occupy 50% of the government posts in this country to ensure these rights. We need the Equal Rights Amendment. Women deserve the constitutional right to argue, earn, write laws, and control our personal destinies with vigor equal to that of any man. We must provide for our own security.  And then… we can truly love. 

~ Colleen

So, back to the topic of Reincarnation – I recently read a book that got me thinking, once again, about our Being-ness. A neurologist, Dr. David Weisher, who argues that Near Death Experiences are real, wrote Mysteries of Consciousness, In defense of the mysteries. He once held the firm belief that neurotransmitters emitted during brain death accounted for Near Death Experiences.  The whole Tunnel to the White Light phenomenon was merely the function of cells in the brain squeezing out their last drops of dopamine as the means to a gentle, final end.  That was pretty much my take on the topic, until I read this book. The doctor shoots down the physical and chemical processes, adds a dollop of logical thinking, and brings in historical background of philosophical thought on the subject. Hey, I was impressed enough with his writing to reopen my locked thinking on the subject, and that’s quite an accomplishment. I’m a stubborn soul.

Here’s my own theory: Consciousness is a sort of free-range energy. Since energy cannot be destroyed, it seeks a host, a resting spot, if you will. All conscious beings are hosts. When we die, the energy finds another host. I don’t believe in god or gods directing that energy. It seems to me, the type of God who would allow the evils perpetrated in His name could not possibly exist, except in the minds of those who wish to justify their foul deeds. And so, who is responsible for our individual behavior and our judgments on that behavior? We are. I don’t know how we fit into the scheme of the cosmos, but karma, nirvana, heaven, hell, or any other reward/punishment system doesn’t make sense. I will try to be a good person, here and now. Hopefully, the next being to take on my energy will reap some of that goodness, but I kind of doubt it. Something tells me that soul is on its own. I wish it well. 

~ c

 

Where are you now?
I remember our warm love
Like it really happened

Perhaps there is something to reincarnation, after all. In the last few months and, really, for all of my life, I have longed to reconnect with one of my former lovers. I remember the way he touched my cheek, kissed me with his whole body, spooned up behind me in bed and held me in a perfectly warm embrace. I remember our conversations and our energetic fun. I remember him well and with love, and sometimes want to call him so we can reminisce together. The only problem is that I have yet to meet the man. And I’m thinking, if I ever do meet him, I’m not going to let him go. This guy, whoever he is or was, is a keeper. So, if you see him, tell him I remember him fondly, and give him my phone number. I’d love to reconnect. 

volcanic heat
simmering beneath the surface
I will wait for you

Move over Madonna. Sex in my sixties? Hardly. It's been a year and a half, and counting. This is the longest I've gone without as much as a soulful kiss since I was 16 years old. At this point, I'm holding out. I'm saving myself, like a virgin, for the big bang. No casual encounter will do. You want in? Good luck. My next lover will be magnificent. Never again will good enough be good enough. I want exceptional. And if the attraction isn't mutual? That's okay. It may be tiresome waiting for love, but we needn't fall into bed with each other out of exhaustion. Why search at all? Life is good, as is. I am a joyful, clear-minded, independent woman who has "done the work," as they say, and I have earned the right to be discerning. My sweet, self-examined life is my own. One day, I will share my love with a brilliant, self-aware, emotionally generous man. I look forward to it ... but no rush. I'll be here. 

Yes, I finally went on my first (and second) date in a year and a half. The guy was great! First, we had a pizza date, then we walked and talked on Limantour Beach in Pt. Reyes. He’s handsome, talented, kind, intelligent, and articulate - all the things I would want in a lover. We have a lot in common, too. So what's not to love, right? I’d like to get to know him better, but fear leading him on. He is looking for someone to share the rest of his life, and I just didn’t feel the chemistry. My brain was turned on, big time, but after a while I found myself attempting to bring the conversation up to a superficial, story-telling level so he wouldn’t glimpse my soul. Without heat, I didn’t feel ready to share deeper feelings with him, and I don’t want to waste his time if my heart isn’t involved. I could tell from his reaction that he sensed I was pulling back. Either that, or he would have to think I'm a total ditz. In any case, he won't call again, and that's a little sad. 
 
My inclination is to accept, once again, that I am a sort-of-content, single woman, but I want to find a positive name for it. Independent is the best I can do for now. Free Agent? No, that sounds a little too rapacious. I’m really not on the prowl. Perhaps I should take the flight attendant approach: Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. No need to put a label on this new era, and no need to shove it into some new relationship territory. Today is just a ride from where I was to where I’m going, and the scenery is beautiful. See you later, ~ c