MY EPITAPH AND A LIFE WELL-LIVED:

She was loving
She was loved
No accomplishment carries the same 
Weight. 

I was about to tack this onto the end of my Double Helix Collection when I thought 'Whoa, Nelly! If anyone ever did read these musings, they'd be on the phone to a crisis hot line.' So put the phone down, my one true friend and reader, I was remembering an assignment given by Mrs. Tynan, my 5th grade teacher at St. Christopher's School in Tonawanda, New York. She asked us to write our own epitaphs, using fait accompli as the means to express our hopes and dreams for the future. While other kids wrote of families, university degrees, and exotic careers, I wrote three words:

She was loved.

I now revisit that assignment, with age and wisdom informing my decision to add a new line: 

She was loving
She was loved

And let me be ever so clear - the two are disconnected. I do subscribe to the Golden Rule, Like Attracts Like, Yin/Yang, Be a friend to get a friend, As ye reap, so shall ye sow, and on and on and on. But as much as this is all true, it is the giving of love that is the gift to oneself. If you choose to love, it must be done without expectation. Of course, that's been my biggest downfall and personality flaw. I'm a Greedy Little Thing, wanting the person who receives my love to bend to my will. I want the Other to be Me, wanting my wants, and loving with the same romantic intensity. How could that possibly be true? Two discrete human beings with different histories, family cultures, schooling, friendships, and psychological mindset couldn't possibly come to a relationship with the same expectations. Lovers are two souls coming from different worlds, sharing that one fragile emotion - love. Well, due to the humbling experience of extinguished hopes and dashed dreams, my hopes and dreams have finally begun to evolve for the better. Perhaps now it's possible to live well, give love, and accept openly and without qualification, that love given to me. Wish me luck. I wish you the same.

By the way, if you're still concerned about the epitaph business, please note: I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon. Longevity runs in my family, and I intend to use every heartbeat given me, and even a few extra if you're willing to leave me plugged in long enough to be sure. And know, my friend, that this is my trajectory for the interim - I aim for a life of love and light. It sounds a little morbid, but I may even take it upon myself to have these words etched on a lovely urn as a reminder to myself that life is an ART: "She was loving. She was loved." Oh, and if you don't mind, please scatter my ashes in the Caribbean Sea. Let's take a trip there in the next few years and I'll show you the exact spot! Thanks.
~Colleen